Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
