I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
