Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
