I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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