You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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