Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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