Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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