You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My feet surprised me
Randomize
