not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
