fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
