my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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