just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
