We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
