Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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