you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
