weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
