Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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