I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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