If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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