It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
