I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His nipple licking is glorious
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