Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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