i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
