Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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