I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
