So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
