I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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