She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
