why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
