You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
