All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
