Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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