My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
