Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
