I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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