oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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