There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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