Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
