You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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