I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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