I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize