I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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