I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
