so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
