I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
