My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
