I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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