I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
