So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize