He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
