imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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