Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
