Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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