I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
