I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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