I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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