i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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