The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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