the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
