Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
