Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
