nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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