...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
