my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
