i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
