between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Who died my cat blue again?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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