The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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