Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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