If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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