get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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