Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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